Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dead Abby 9/2/11

Disclaimer: This is an advice column, not an instruction to life, not direct orders. There is probably going to be offensive material presented. I'm not sorry, I support freedom of speech. This may not even be real...

Dead Abby,
How do I get my boyfriend to stop trying to put it in my marriage hole?

Dear Sore,
Dump him....IF you've made it clear that the marriage hole is only in exchange for a big, fat diamond. If he doesn't respect that, he doesn't deserve the marriage hole.  If dumping him doesn't work you could take several approaches.  1) You could play the 'eye for an eye' game.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander, right?  Sometimes people can't understand what a certain situation fully entails until they've been IN that situation.  Make it sexy.  Catch him by surprise.  2) The only other reasonable option I see is death.  If one can't respect something as sacred as a marriage hole, and they continuously violate said hole, death is a fitting response.  Or you could go the lighter route and try castration.  I can recall a time when I went through this exact situation, the only way to make it stop was to part ways, and by part ways, I mean he parted with his....Things got violent and he overacted, I thought.  Sometimes words don't get the point across.  I will say this though, if you're crying wolf, you should be flogged.  You can't go around rubbing your 'marriage hole' on him and all his belongings like a cat in heat and expect nothing to come of it. 

Dead Abby,
What's the best way to apocalypse-proof my home?
Desperate and Full of Fear

Dear Desperate and Full of Fear,
Steel, lots and lots of steel, some form of energy (preferably natural) and an arsenal. Make sure you have a food and water supply.  Setting up camp by a body of water would be wise.  Don't worry about birth control, you may need to restock the human population. Also, make sure that you do an IQ check prior to admittance.  Everyone deserves a chance at survival, but if one person is going to bring down the ship, you're sadly better off without them. This also depends on what kind of apocalypse we're talking about.  A zombie apocalypse? An alien invasion? This is pretty open and my answer would have to be tailored to the specific type of apocalypse.

Dead Abby,
How do I cure a vicious hangover?
Thirsty and hurt

Dear Thirsty and hurt,
Although, I know many would look at it and say there's an obvious answer....don't drink, but, let's be reasonable.  There's many, many remedies out there for a hangover.  The best that I've found; water, food, sleep, Ibuprofen and masturbation.  Some say drink Pedialyte, Gatorade, water...Hangover's are a relative state.  Some people can't mix booze, some people can't drink keg beer, some can't drink anything without being affected.  In my personal experience, which is heavy, if you're gonna drink, you're gonna pay.  Fact.  It's as sure as death and taxes.  One of the best cures I've found is to bite the bullet and keep the ball rolling.  Beer does kill hangovers, so does more booze.  Also fact. If you're a person that drinks in moderation or refrains from 'devil's juice', don't judge and don't force your hungover friend to do anything until you offer them a beer or Bloody Mary.

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