Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dead Abby 9/9/11

Dead Abby,
I love my wife dearly, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met.  We have three beautiful kids, great jobs, a nice house, a dog and a fulfilling social life.  I have one major problem with our life.  She can't give a blow job to save her life.  It's excruciating.  I feel bad cuz she gets so into it, but I can't keep 'into' it and end up using an excuse such as being tired, sick, etc.  I've thought about going as far as getting a bj elsewhere.  How do I approach this situation without facing a lifetime without a blow job?
Hard and Soft

Dear Hard and Soft,
First, if you feel the need to stray, cut a hand off.  You can come up with some kind of heroic story as to why you lost it, but do that.  Cheating is bad and should be punished severely.  If you can't man up and ask for what you want sexually, you don't deserve it.  You deserve to be trapped in a perpetual cycle of horrible blow jobs.  You think it's bad for a guy?  I'm pretty sure there's fewer men than can properly perform oral sex than women.  Here's another thought, give her a tutorial.  Make it sexy.  Grab some candles, some PBR tall boys, strawberries and a banana or two and show her exactly what you're looking for.  If you can't lead by example, you probably don't really know what you're looking for. You could also look into hiring a 'sexpert' to give lessons.  You want to be careful with this and make sure you're not bruising her ego...If you're trying to be sheisty, she will figure out your ploy to pull a manage a trois and I can guarantee the blow jobs will get worse.  If you're married and have kids, you think you would be able to communicate, especially with topics like this, there's something to think about... 
Good luck.

Dead Abby,
Every time I wear a white t-shirt into public, people, mainly men, feel the need to pour water on me.  How can I avoid having this happening to me?
Wet and Mortified

Dear Wet and Mortified,
First, I would start by asking where you are when this happens?  Are you actually walking into a wet t-shirt contest unknowingly? Are you blonde?  Is there any screen printing on your shirt (perhaps a message begging people to pour water on your chest)?  Assuming that you are female, are you wearing a bra?  Are you able to cut glass with your nipples?  Do you have a boob job that is causing your breasts to appear that they're going to explode?  After figuring all these details out, I would suggest you carry a form of automatic weapon on you at all times.  If people know you're going to shoot some motherfuckers, I would say that your chances of getting water poured on you are pretty slim. could really run with it.  Think about the endless free drinks if you were to own this situation.  You may have to deal with catty women, but that's a price you pay.  Personally, if I constantly was having water poured on me, I wouldn't wear white.  I would suggest the best way to curtail this whole predicament is to start wearing black...I hope this gives you something to think about.

Dead Abby,
How does one eat cheap in the 515?
Broke and Hungry

Dear Broke and Hungry,
Go to Wal-Mart, load up on Ramen noodles and eat them.  Every night.


Anonymous said...

To hard and soft: (sung to the song "Blow the Man Down" you have a future in the glass-blowing industry, is that enough of a big job (BJ) for you? If not, try trumpet playing, sucking your thumb or removing a rib so you can treat yourself to a delightful treat anytime anywhere.

Our Lady of Perpetual Kittens

TBBP said...

Excellent suggestions, Our Lady of Perpetual Kittens!!

Anonymous said...

To Hard and Soft,
Let me guess:
Your favorite animal is the blowfish
Your favorite food is hotdogs
Your favorite gift is a cake full of candles you can blow out.
Your favorite band is Hootie and the Blowfish
Your favorite songs are I'm forever blowing bubbles, blow awaty, blow me a kiss, blow your mind.
Favorite pastime is blowing bubbles or blowing out candles
Favorite career is glass blowing
Favorite movie is Blow.
Favorite company is Blow & Co (yes, it really exists)
Person you admire most: Marilyn Manson because he is rumored to be able to blow himself
You are the only person on the planet who never had his blow & go removed from his car because you love it so much)
Health issues: asthma and needs his blow machine at all times.