Thursday, September 22, 2011

Dead Abby, 9/22/2011

Disclaimer: This is an advice column, not an instruction to life, not direct orders. There is probably going to be offensive material presented. I'm not sorry, I support freedom of speech. This may not even be real...

Dead Abby,
My co-worker sucks! He won't quit talking about how awesome his wife is in bed.  I'm fine with some locker room talk, but this gets ridiculous.  He just won't stop.  Everything is compared to her tits, ass or nether region.  He's also more than eager to share pics of her.  The other day he was eating a bologna sandwich, he acted out cunnilingus on the bologna, which ruined my lunch.  How do I make him stop?  If I wanted to hear porn eight hours a day, I would buy Penthouse Letters on tape.
Sexcruciatingly Disgusted

Dear Sexcruciatingly Disgusted,
No one likes a one upper, but in some cases it makes people shut the hell up.  Try telling him stories of farmland adventures.  Make everything phallic...sexualize EVERYTHING.  Example:  The way you're nailing the carpet with your knee reminds me of how my pelvis was smashing that woman's pelvis last night.  Man, did you see that van?  I swallowed the biggest piece of summer lovin' sausage in a van that looked nothing like that two days ago.  Look at that tire!!! That looks like the magnum I strapped on to pull a train on the eight porn stars I picked up at a gas station last night....for a few.  If that fails to work, you could look into 'surprise surgery' and remove his voice box.  I'm sure his wife would appreciate that too!  If all of these methods fail to work, quit.  You can probably use the knowledge you've gotten and get into a sex trade!

Dead Abby,
Why is the nice guy considered the after dinner mint?  Why do nice guys always have to finish last?
Stranded on an Island with my Dick in my Hand

Dear Stranded on an Island with my Dick in my Hand,
How into anal sex are you?  I only ask because it sounds like you have your tail tucked so far between your legs that it's crawled into your ass and is probably making some sort of 'in-out' motion.  There are plenty of nice guys that don't finish last.  You may want to look at the women you're selecting...are you picking douche bags?  Some women (as well as men) aren't interested in making a relationship work, they're only there for a self-serving purpose, meaning they will take what you give Mr. NiceyPants.  Be selective.  Don't lay your whole life out right away.  That scares 'nice girls' away and you'll end up with the wolves that can smell your vulnerability.  Everyone loves mints, but they don't last long.  Eventually, they are going to want the steak again...are you going to give it to them?  Or would you prefer to be the timid little mint?

Dead Abby,
What do I do about that disturbing figure behind the shed at my North Pole villa?
Snow Princess turned Scared Stiff

Dear Snow Princess turned Scared Stiff,
Before taking any action, I would dig deeper into what exactly this disturbing figure is.  It could be a snuggly bear, a banshee, some sort of poultrygeist (no, that was NOT a misspelling), a homeless person or someone trying to grow the balls to approach your hot princess self, among other things.  Is this figure disrupting your life or does it just stand and creep?  If it just stands and creeps, you may want to entice it out of the shadows with a nice strip tease, of course make sure you keep a long, sharp blade handy if you're going to use this approach.  You could also recruit some help...ask the biggest viking you know to do some regulating for you.  Of course, if it turns out that this disturbing figure is actually a child with a hormone issue, causing them to appear as some sort of monster you could be facing some pretty serious criminal charges.  It could also be your standard werewolf, vampire, zombie, swamp creature, etc. trying to go into retirement.  Before you act anything out I strongly suggest you investigate further into what exactly this figure is....or just take a chance and shoot the son of a bitch!

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