Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dead Abby, 11/17/2011

Disclaimer: This is an advice column, not an instruction to life, not direct orders. There is probably going to be offensive material presented. I'm not sorry, I support freedom of speech. This may not even be real...

 Dead Abby,
My bitch sister won't let me freely express myself. I really enjoy interpretive dance as a way of communication, and I feel that it is so very important in our day and age.What should i do about this emotionally constipated jerk that I'm related to?
-Dancing Queen

Dear Dancing Queen,
I want to start by relating a memory I have of this very issue.  I once had a sister.  Unfortunately, she passed away from a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases.  She danced.  She danced at work, she danced at the bar, she danced at shows, she danced in the grocery store. One day, a day care had an outing at a pumpkin patch that we happened to stop into.  She couldn't find a pumpkin that pleased her.  She expressed this distaste in interpretive dance.  Her pelvis swayed from one row to the next, leading her. Like some kind of breakage in the human form, her pelvis was in control.  Unfortunately, her pelvis knocked over a few children and to make a long story short, she had to go door to door, notifying her neighborhood of her innocent perversion.  She also never got her pumpkin.
I think you really have a slew of options here.  1)  Have you thought about suicide?  Since you're so repressed emotionally from the inability to stand up for yourself and dance like the obscene butterfly that I'm sure you are, you may want to look into that.  There are ways that are fairly painless for a pussy such as yourself.   2)  Have you thought about bludgeoning your sister in the head?  Easiest way to remove yourself from a negative situation is to remove the situation.  3)  Have you danced in a mirror lately?  Perhaps your version of 'interpretive dance' is offensive to all others senses.  Perhaps those around you would rather use rusty wire to amputate fingers and toes and commit a slow suicide by consuming ONLY Nikolai Vodka?  Really assess your dancing skills here.  They might really be hurting those around you.  4)  Ask the emotionally constipated jerk to seek some counseling with you.  Perhaps there's some sexual tension that needs to be worked out, hence they're getting mad at your gyrations.  Or, perhaps you're just making a big ass of yourself and should stop.  I'm also curious as to why you feel interpretive dance is so important these days...I'd really like a response to that. In my opinion, although it can be entertaining, interpretive dance is much like spandex, few should do it.

Dead Abby,
I hate my job. My boss is horrible. She belittles me and is trying to fire me with unattainable tasks that I have to have done in two weeks. I am a good employee and it is a great corporate company. I can't lose this job.

Citifiedpink Turned Beet Red

Dear Citifiedpink Turned Beet Red,
Quit.  You can either quit or they're going to fire you.  You can also use the option of accusing your boss of sexual or physical assault.  See examples below:

We all know there are different types of employees.  Some are hard workers, some are lazy piles of dung.  Generally, we see the hard workers carrying the weight...and the brunt.  That's just the way the corporate cookie crumbles in our undergarments.  Your best bet to surviving in corporate America is to go out and buy a huge butt plug.  Insert this butt plug in the sitting position.  Don't whine.  Don't even think you're going to be able to shit.  Stay there....stay still.  This will be sufficient training.  There are plenty of people who do survive this world.  I think most of them are lucky. Seriously.  Quit your job...The market is shit, but your sanity is worth the world. Really, think about it.  When you're miserable at your job, it leaks into all other parts of your life.  I bet your sex life has diminished.  I bet you're starting to separate yourself from the people you love.  I bet you're spending a lot of time in the garage hiding bottles and brillo pads.  I bet you're lashing out at people that are close to you.  I know working a shitty job is not an addiction, but the actions of people in either position are similar.  You can stay, but you'll be better off being tortured and murdered.

Dead Abby,
Is there a way to sweeten up fact that I used to be a prostitute on my resume?
-I'm A Giver

Dear I'm A Giver,
Prostitution is the oldest profession.  It's been glamorized, made fun of, had movies and books surrounding its mystique.  Women have scoffed at it, men have utilized it and governments have profited off of it.  Be proud of what you've done.  Break it all down.  Just like any other job, think about what all goes into prostitution; marketing, cleaning, accounting, care giving, therapy, discipline, scheduling, performing arts, etc.  Bottom line, there's a lot that this job entails.  As with any job, there are so many ways to name a job.  Think of all the fancy job titles one can create for a Customer Service Representative...If you thought about it, you can surely come up with at least a few job titles that aren't quite as offensive as 'prostitute'.  I think you're in a similar situation as many stay at home mom's who are now looking for 'honest' employment.  Many employers will look on either of your professions as...not so professional.  Anyone who knows anything knows that this is false. The world of a prostitute or a single mother is a thankless one.  You give and give and give and wait for that one special moment to make it all worth while...maybe it's your child making you card, maybe it's the man who likes to dress up as a baby decides NOT to shit himself...either way, it's that moment that makes your job worth while.
I could elaborate on this subject for days, but I'm going to stop there.
Pick up a Thesaurus and sell yourself!!! You're good at that!

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