Thursday, October 13, 2011

Disclaimer: This is an advice column, not an instruction to life, not direct orders. There is probably going to be offensive material presented. I'm not sorry, I support freedom of speech. This may not even be real...

Dead Abby,
I like to listen to deathcore/deathgrind/blackened deathmetal, but my non-metal girlfriend thinks I'm stuck in high school...can you help me explain to her the benefits of said genres?
 Sinking in Mainstream Pop!

Dear Sinking in Mainstream Pop,
Well...does she like her boyfriend to have an aggressive sexual appetite?  Does she want someone with exceptional social skills?  Does she want to date an optimist?  There have been many, many studies that show the benefits of music.  Of course, some try to pervert them and imply that the metal genres will only lead people into suicide, drug addiction and countless trips to their county health clinic.  This is complete fallacy.  Music stimulates the brain cells, can act as a pain killer, adds to people's general well being and can aid in health training.  Of course, when you look at these facts, one can only assume that listening to Celine Dion is not going to do what listening to Slayer, Whitechapel or Napalm Death will do to you.  Personally, I would much rather get nailed by someone listening to Macabre or Impaler than someone who listens to Maroon 5.  The beat would be better and I think the job would get done much more efficiently.  For people who have ongoing pain, listening to hardcore music is going to get the blood pumping, which can help in reducing pain.  Of course, I have to inquire as to what kind of music she listens to...emo?  Pop punk?  Hip-hop? If the genre differs too differently from yours, you may consider getting a new girlfriend...unless the hardcore music you expose her to is going to brainwash her into liking quality music.

Is it weird for me to want to have sex with someone just because I am not attracted to them?

Dear Hornfused, 
 *Editors note: Today's question is being guest answered "The Big Ugly". This self proclaimed Adviceologist has spent many an hour telling people where they are living their life wrong, of course this is after a few whiskey cokes.
Lindsey is that you? you sound just like a woman who I dated a while back. She was a woman of questionable virtue(read whore) also. Of course she was also one of those females that had dick thrown at her. Quite a lot of dick too. So before I answer your question One must wonder if you are oblivious to the amount of people with one of  the many  "social diseases". If you are running around stuffing as many gentleman vegetables in you with reckless abandon then there are far bigger problems than finding some sort of attractive quality. I have got to wonder are you attracted to them physically, well then I would suggest maybe lowering your standards, it is ok to hump someone way below your standards. Shame does wash off with soap, Herpes doesn't though so be careful!  Of course if you are playing rumpy pumpy with someone and can't stand their personality well then I would suggest you might try working out your repressed memories in a more constructive way. Then again I could be way off and you could just be one of those women who are sort of attractive and likes to bang fat guys and if thats the case, I can forward you my personal email.
 -The Big Ugly-

I'm looking for ideas on how to punish my partner.  How well does the silent treatment work?  Anyone have a record on their longest silent treatment?
-Silent and Deadly

Dear Silent and Deadly,
Are you a female married to a man?  If yes, this isn't a punishment.  Read again...THE SILENT TREATMENT IS NOT A PUNISHMENT.  In fact, I'm sure they have a commercial that relays this exact point.  Women have so much to say and men are really only interested in (generously) 10% of that (making a generalization).  Hell, women aren't even interested in everything other women have to say.  I think we're (as women)  pretty used to being tuned out. The longest recorded silent treatment I could find documented by the interwebs was 41 days.  That's some built up sexual frustration right there if I do say so myself!  But, really?! Do you really want to just shut them out?  If you're capable of shutting someone out for more than a week, move on...There's plenty of fish in this dirty, dirty sea.  Go swimming...go skinny dipping! Don't waste life trying to get back at someone!.....Huh?  Another thought, if you're really into punishment, you may want to pick up the book 'Different Loving', I think it could help you work out some of your 'punishment issues'.  There is a huge BDSM community out there and they're a pretty welcoming group!

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